Recap

Kane is married and moved out. This is just a final post to re-cap the experience:

Living with Kane for a month was more awesome than I thought it would be, and my expectations were so high, it is unbelievable that reality surpassed them.

The best way I can describe it was: Kane is $%@!ing awesome to live with.*

Let me be real for a moment:
Its been difficult to deal with Kane leaving. The withdrawal has been rough. Opiod detox takes 48 hours and alcohol detox takes 72 hours…we have no idea how long Kane-detox will go on. Once you become dependent on him, the addiction may never go away entirely. I contacted some of his old roommates who expressed they were going through similar issues since Kane’s departure two months ago. Josh Farris had to take a leave of absence from his job because he spent 178 hours locked in the bathroom sitting on the floor of the shower with the cold water running. Lance started cutting himself with a razor blade.

In a desperate attempt to avoid self-mutilation I’ve been paying Darren to dress up like Kane and walk around the house spontaneously bursting into a fake British accent and reading KHQOTDs off little note-cards I wrote for him. Its working out pretty well.

I just hope that Kane knows that if something awful and mysterious ever happened to Lyssa** he could come back and live with me.

* This is NOT a swear word. It is a word that has simply not been invented yet.
** Like someone put a packet of that stuff you get in shoe-boxes that says “DO NOT EAT” into her drink and she was unable to make it to the hospital in time. Or there was a carbon monoxide leak from her stove while Kane was working late…or whatever.

Day 26

This is a photo of Kane drinking a shot of Rwanda Zirikana pulled through the new naked portafilter.

What I would rather have is a photo of Kane naked drinking a shot of Rwanda Zirikana pulled through a normal portafilter.

KHQOTD:
"Its like several midgets having a party in your mouth."

<--I'm not going to tell you what he was talking about.

Last thing: This morning, Darren accidentally saw Kane naked. If they ever develop technology to read minds, there are a lot of people who will definitely try to use that technology to see into Darren's mind.

Day 21

Kane's back.
We're hanging out right now.

I want to try to give a numerical description of how awesome it is to hang out with Kane.

My happiness from all of my combined birthdays over 21 years= 100*
My happiness from drinking an iced caramel Latte=10
My happiness from meeting a new person=-50
My happiness from beating a pompous know-it-all at "Boggle"=300
My happiness from finding out that one of my roommates unexpectedly cleaned the kitchen while I was gone= 600**
My happiness from hanging out with Kane tonight=2000

You might say, "Wow, Chris, does this mean what I think it means?"

Of course it does: I like hanging out with Kane 40 times as much as the opposite of meeting a new person. And that's saying something.


*This may seem like an overall low score for all my combined birthdays. According to the chart, all my birthdays=ten iced caramel lattes in terms of happiness. Keep in mind that I don't remember birthdays 1-3. And I vomited during at least 75% of birthdays 4-15. And when I turned nine my family had a party at the YMCA swimming pool and I was afraid of water. Also, my birthday is three days before Christmas, so everyone except my parents always give me "combined" Christmas and birthday gifts which essentially means that no one gives me birthday gifts.
**As of this writing, this is value is theoretical. None of my roommates have ever cleaned the kitchen all the way. They have each made attempts, but no one has ever finished. The high score goes to Kenny who once put all of the dishes in the dishwasher but forgot to start it. <--this may be untrue.

Day 16

Kane has been in Chicago for four days now.
I haven't slept or eaten since Wednesday.
I forget what the purpose of life is.
My hair is falling out.
On Saturday I started drooling...no longer have the energy/motivation to keep my jaw shut.
I'm thinking of sending one of the other roommates to the store for some adult diapers. It probably wont be long before all of my muscles are completely atrophied.

I am getting jaundiced. i think my liver is shutting down.
Praying for death..................

Day 9

I got to hang out with Kane all day today. I am resisting the temptation to give a minute-by-minute account, so I will sum it up by saying: it was the best day of my life.

Here is the KHQOTD:
"That was not done to the glory of God, and I am going to have to stop that."
In response to Lyssa's question, "What happened to that thing where you weren't going to drink caffeine anymore?"

The was pretty much the most brilliant, succinct response I have ever heard. Lyssa was dumbfounded, and spent the next 30 seconds staring at her fiance in awe.

Day 8

The Biggest Sham In All History: Kane gets married on the 15th, not the 17th; I was wrong about the date. Why is this the biggest sham in history? because now Kane will live with me for two less days (17-15=2) than I previously thought.

The thing is, March 17th=St. Patrick's day and I thought it was kind of weird to get married then. But the wedding is in Texas, so I just figured people from Texas had no idea what St. Patrick's day was, just like people is South Boston probably have no idea what Cinco De Mayo is.

Update on cool things Kane has done at the house:
Cleaned the kitchen
Brought home some Guatemala Organic coffee that he roasted and it makes John Letoto's Guatemala look like Starbucks Breakfast Blend*.
Put up a couple cool signs.



A note of explanation: Beside the espresso machine we have a little jar with the word "Alms" on the front and we ask people to throw some money in to help cover the cost of espresso and other drink ingredients. But no one ever puts money in.




















*(This is actually just a shameless attempt to get John Letoto to bring free samples of his own Guatemala to my house.)

Day 7

For the third day in a row, I was getting ready to go to class in the morning and saw Kane before I left. We usually talk for a few minutes before I have to go.

Each time, the exchange is bittersweet. On one hand, it is awesome, and on the other hand, I think to myself, "The coolest thing that can happen to me today has already happened...it can really only go downhill from here."

Here is a chart, ranking my satisfaction with daily events on a scale of -10 to 10.