Day 21

Kane's back.
We're hanging out right now.

I want to try to give a numerical description of how awesome it is to hang out with Kane.

My happiness from all of my combined birthdays over 21 years= 100*
My happiness from drinking an iced caramel Latte=10
My happiness from meeting a new person=-50
My happiness from beating a pompous know-it-all at "Boggle"=300
My happiness from finding out that one of my roommates unexpectedly cleaned the kitchen while I was gone= 600**
My happiness from hanging out with Kane tonight=2000

You might say, "Wow, Chris, does this mean what I think it means?"

Of course it does: I like hanging out with Kane 40 times as much as the opposite of meeting a new person. And that's saying something.


*This may seem like an overall low score for all my combined birthdays. According to the chart, all my birthdays=ten iced caramel lattes in terms of happiness. Keep in mind that I don't remember birthdays 1-3. And I vomited during at least 75% of birthdays 4-15. And when I turned nine my family had a party at the YMCA swimming pool and I was afraid of water. Also, my birthday is three days before Christmas, so everyone except my parents always give me "combined" Christmas and birthday gifts which essentially means that no one gives me birthday gifts.
**As of this writing, this is value is theoretical. None of my roommates have ever cleaned the kitchen all the way. They have each made attempts, but no one has ever finished. The high score goes to Kenny who once put all of the dishes in the dishwasher but forgot to start it. <--this may be untrue.

Day 16

Kane has been in Chicago for four days now.
I haven't slept or eaten since Wednesday.
I forget what the purpose of life is.
My hair is falling out.
On Saturday I started drooling...no longer have the energy/motivation to keep my jaw shut.
I'm thinking of sending one of the other roommates to the store for some adult diapers. It probably wont be long before all of my muscles are completely atrophied.

I am getting jaundiced. i think my liver is shutting down.
Praying for death..................

Day 9

I got to hang out with Kane all day today. I am resisting the temptation to give a minute-by-minute account, so I will sum it up by saying: it was the best day of my life.

Here is the KHQOTD:
"That was not done to the glory of God, and I am going to have to stop that."
In response to Lyssa's question, "What happened to that thing where you weren't going to drink caffeine anymore?"

The was pretty much the most brilliant, succinct response I have ever heard. Lyssa was dumbfounded, and spent the next 30 seconds staring at her fiance in awe.

Day 8

The Biggest Sham In All History: Kane gets married on the 15th, not the 17th; I was wrong about the date. Why is this the biggest sham in history? because now Kane will live with me for two less days (17-15=2) than I previously thought.

The thing is, March 17th=St. Patrick's day and I thought it was kind of weird to get married then. But the wedding is in Texas, so I just figured people from Texas had no idea what St. Patrick's day was, just like people is South Boston probably have no idea what Cinco De Mayo is.

Update on cool things Kane has done at the house:
Cleaned the kitchen
Brought home some Guatemala Organic coffee that he roasted and it makes John Letoto's Guatemala look like Starbucks Breakfast Blend*.
Put up a couple cool signs.



A note of explanation: Beside the espresso machine we have a little jar with the word "Alms" on the front and we ask people to throw some money in to help cover the cost of espresso and other drink ingredients. But no one ever puts money in.




















*(This is actually just a shameless attempt to get John Letoto to bring free samples of his own Guatemala to my house.)

Day 7

For the third day in a row, I was getting ready to go to class in the morning and saw Kane before I left. We usually talk for a few minutes before I have to go.

Each time, the exchange is bittersweet. On one hand, it is awesome, and on the other hand, I think to myself, "The coolest thing that can happen to me today has already happened...it can really only go downhill from here."

Here is a chart, ranking my satisfaction with daily events on a scale of -10 to 10.

Day 5 **special extended version**

It was about ten p.m. and we were all sitting in the kitchen lamenting the fact that we haven't gotten to see Kane a whole lot. (This is totally true.) And then he walked through the front door.

I had been practicing Latte Art, so Kane came in and did a few free-pours before starting his homework.

Having Kane practice Latte Art in my kitchen is sort of equivalent to having Pablo Casals play cello in my kitchen. (If Pablo Casals weren't dead, that would have been a better comparison.)

Similarities Between Pablo Casals and Kane:
Neither are very tall.
Both can speak Spanish. (really...Kane speaks fluent Spanish and Portuguese. Sometimes when he talks to his fiance on the phone and I am in the room he will speak Spanish so I can't tell what is going on.)
Both are noted lovers of democracy.

Differences between Pablo Casals and Kane:
Pablo Caslas died in 1973 whereas Kane is still alive.
Pablo Casals was the world's most brilliant cello player but Kane is only "pretty decent" at the violin.

Similarities between Chris Heiniger and Kane (I will add more as they become apparent):
1.We both wear these big poofy vests.

Kane's piece of wisdom for the day:
Kenny said, "I want to buy a new coffee grinder with my tax refund, but I may just save the money." To which, Kane responded "Son, you can use that for essentials. You can stock up on toilet paper."

Day 5

When I was walking out the door to class this morning, I saw Kane in only his underwear. He is like a real-life advertisement for "the Iron Gym."

Day 4

Kane moved in Saturday. He has the least stuff of anyone I know.
Total Inventory of All Kane's Possessions:
A duffel bag full of clothes
About 100 books
"The Iron Gym" and the cardboard box that "The Iron Gym" came in. I think "The Iron Gym" is for doing sit-ups.
An IBM Thinkpad laptop.
A pair of Aviator-style sunglasses.
A chair
A blanket
A violin
A jar
A Bianchi San Jose fixed gear bicycle.

Kane said that he periodically purges himself of anything he feels is unnecessary. "If I don't think I'll need it in five years, I just throw it out."
<-- That is the sort of golden tidbit of wisdom that I expect to be flowing all over the place for the next month.

Kane has COMPLETELY thrown of the chains of materialism that enslave the rest of us. I think if he came home and I said "Kane, I burned all of your earthly possessions into a pile of ash." He would say "Dude... awesome."

So far, not much to report, after Saturday night, I didn't get to see Kane till this morning...but that was a blast.

Special Notice On Kane's Eating Habits:
Kane keeps a jar of raw milk("raw milk" is code for "squeezed into the jar straight out of the cow's udder and has a huge amount of gunk floating in it.") in the fridge which I have seen him actually drink.
Also, he eats sushi seaweed wrappers plain.
And he has a jar of Cod Liver Oil, which I thought was imaginary.

March 17th!

Dudes all over Louisville (specifically, Darren) will mourn on March 17th. Because on March 17th Lyssa Drummond will marry Kane Holbrook. And then Kane will have way less time to hang out with all of his single dude friends, making their lives all that much more lonely. Darren will literally be so sad that borrowing Michael Poindexter's clothes will no longer have any meaning.

I am created this Limited Time Blog to commemerate the last month of Kane being single, a month he has chosen to spend sleeping on the floor of the office on the second floor.(Actually, not just sleeping on the floor. During the day, he can literally do anything he wants to.)

This blog is for the people like Darren who will never have the chance to live with Kane, so they can share in my experience.

This may be also useful for Kane's future permanent roommate (Lyssa), in case Kane has any habits that she did not become aware of during their 14 years of dating.